i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
