If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
