I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
