How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
