Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
