Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
