dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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