So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
