so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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