I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
