He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
