All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
