I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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