Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
