you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
