my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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