I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
