its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
