i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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