Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
