the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
