You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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