What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
