last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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