Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
