Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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