I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
