I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
