end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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