hotel room ftw
i already hear my dad disowning me
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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