at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
