I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
