i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
