its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize