So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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