he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
