I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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