my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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