i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
