She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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