i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
