I'm so fucking centered right now
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
