She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
