I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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