Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
