He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
