The maid of honor just puked.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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