She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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