i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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