So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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