singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize