shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
