Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
