I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
