Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
