if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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