Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
