She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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