you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
