I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
