I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
