I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
